Aries

Due to the positions of Mars and Venus, you find yourself with an impure stench that plagues your every move.

Taurus

Take heed from the stars in the heavens: avoid stepping in canine excretion as this would be the polar opposite of good.

Gemini

Gemini, though indeed spelt differently, was the name of the nul-points U.K. Eurovision entry of 2003.  You are therefore advised to avoid singing at all costs.

Cancer

The position of Mars is indicative of the fact that your life is utterly dreadful at the moment, whether you realise it or not.  It may or may not improve.

Leo

Your star sign grants you the strength of a lion in your heart.  Nevertheless, you are acting like the lion from the Wizard of Oz, wimp.

Virgo

Watch the rising of the morning star: it is, at the present time, in control of your life force.  But be cautious not to watch every day or its blinding beauty may cause temporary or permanent sight loss.

Libra

The alignment of stars in the paradise world look upon you more favourably once again, which could bring fortuity to your broken spirit.

Scorpio

The perpetual positive alignment of Saturn and Jupiter’s moon Callisto causes the celestial forces of Elysian Fields to place themselves permanently on your side.  From now on and until the end of forever is a good time to be a Scorpio.

Sagittarius

Those born under this star sign are said to make promising minions to Scorpio masters.  The present position of Pluto promotes your already superior servant capabilities: use them well.

Capricorn

Take the time to look up at the stars at night.  What do you see?  If all you see is darkness covered in yellow specks you are shallow and callous.  If you see eternity stretched out before you, you are slightly less shallow and callous.  If you can see neither because you have chosen to undertake this task on a cloudy night, well that just sums up your life, doesn’t it?